WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LIAR AND A PERSON WHO LIES TO HIMSELF? by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on February 1, 2013 by

A liar is a person who willfully deceives others. Lance Armstrong and Bernard Madoff lied to protect themselves, and in the process deeply hurt innocent people.

A person who lies to himself is just a person, a regular human being like you and me, who doesn’t want to hurt anyone, including himself. We all grow up with a set of beliefs that by the time we become adults, are so embedded that it takes extraordinary methods to remove or modify them.

Jake Robb, a 41 year-old LA psychiatrist, and protagonist in Skin Dance, a mystery, had a long overdue fierce argument with his father. Jake always knew how angry he was at his father, but had never directly dealt with him. When he did, an amazing thing happened.

It was morning, sun shining through the space between the drapes, the aroma of fresh coffee, someone moving about in the kitchen. What was extraordinary to Jake, maybe even a considerable miracle, was that he had slept through the night. The endless awakenings and constant early morning arousal that had been going on for two years hadn’t happened.

Jake spent years lying to himself, not about his anger, but about the other side to all this rage, his love. It gets pretty convoluted, but most of us live with ambivalence, the existence of love and hate that lie side by side.

We’re supposed to love our parents. Judeo-Christian-Islamic-Buddhist-Bahaian beliefs make that very clear. But, what if we can’t love them, and the anger or love is hidden deep inside us? It can effect all aspects of our lives — who we choose as a mate, how we relate to peers, the pain or sense of disconnect that we experience when we’re around the parent or parents that are the object of all this feeling.

Knowing the truth about ourselves is essential. Taking Prozac or Zoloft etc., can help you feel better, but it won’t give you the information that’s hidden in your unconscious. Psychotherapy can be a very useful tool to help you tease out the threads of the past. It won’t do a lick of good to a liar. (Listening to country western music is giving me a whole new vocabulary.)

Art Smukler MD is the author of Skin Dance, a mystery, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, and Chasing Backwards, a psychological, murder mystery.

Posted in CHASING BACKWARDS, a psychological murder mystery, Childhood Trauma, Psychiatry, Self Examination, Skin Dance, a mystery, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, Writing | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

LANCE ARMSTRONG & REPENTANCE, A PSYCHIATRIST’S TAKE ON IT, by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on January 17, 2013 by

So what happens when someone lies for years about something?

Duh. We don’t trust that person again.

Mistrust forever?

Maybe…

In a psychiatrist’s office, a common occurrence is marital infidelity. Often, that leads to divorce. It’s tough to believe someone who has looked you square in the eyes (or even not so square) and lied.

Now Lance wants to compete in triathlons, the wayward spouse wants to keep his home and possessions intact, the manipulative mortgage-loan banker wants to keep his job and not go to prison.

Some actions are deal breakers. How can you trust a person’s words if his actions were blatantly misleading?

So what about Lance Armstrong? What about your husband? What about our nation’s mortgage bankers?

My feeling is that a person who is a good liar continues to have that talent. If he wants to deceive me or you, there’s no reason he can’t succeed. Trust is a combination of what he says and how he acts. Saying “sorry” is fine, but what does it really mean? How does he really make amends? Is there a consistency to the apology?

It can take a lot of time to decide whether a liar has become a reformed liar. Whether you want to go through the process and give a liar another chance is your choice.

Are there any other issues you want to talk about before our session ends?

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Author of Chasing Backwards, a psychological mystery, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, and Skin Dance, a mystery

Posted in Psychiatry, Self Examination, World events, a psychological view, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 7 Comments

HOW TO ENTER YOUR WRITER’S SOUL, by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on January 9, 2013 by

What the heck is a writer’s soul?

Just my way of trying to describe the creative place where ideas and passion are first conceived.

Lately, I’ve been hooked on country music, the kind of stuff where lost love and dreams of the past, tear away at the walls that keep the forgotten 16-year-old locked away from our conscious minds. Remember your 1st love? Your 1st fight? Your 1st best friend? The troubled, idealistic Holden Caulfield trying to make the world a more honest place?

Back then we didn’t know or care about Republicans and Democrats, gun control or Gay Rights. We cared about love, friendship, and finding a way to make sense out of this huge, crazy world. We dreamed of a vague future, of glory on the ball field, of getting Betty or Robert to notice us and to reciprocate our love.

The pathway into the past, hidden by the layers of logic that come with adulthood, can be breached by just letting our mind wander to wherever it wants to go. That’s not so easy when the realities of making ends meet, raising kids, a job and working out marital issues are so right in our faces.

One way to start the journey inward is to really listen to music — country, jazz, oldies, classical, whatever — to allow it to carry you into the past or present or future — the same way just a tiny glance from the girl of your dreams would send you spinning for days at a time.

Another access to the past is through the sense of smell, the most primitive part of our brain. The scents of Thanksgiving with grandma, baking chocolate brownies with mom, even an odor that makes you cringe with disgust can send you spinning to a long forgotten place.

All our senses — sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste can do it. Leave the world of paying bills and fighting traffic and take a trip back to your past. That’s where the writer’s soul exists.

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Posted in CHASING BACKWARDS, a psychological murder mystery, Psychiatry, Self Examination, Skin Dance, a mystery, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, Writing | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments

THE FISCAL CLIFF, DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES, AND SUCCESS? by Art Smukler, author and psychiatrist

Posted on December 31, 2012 by

Traveling through Hong Kong and Thailand has been an enlightening experience. Fellow travelers from Australia, England, Germany and New Zealand all made the same comment, “What’s the matter? Why can’t your elected officials make a decision and compromise?”

A good question! We are like a dysfunctional family except with one “minor” difference. The whole world gets to observe our dirty linen and the whole world is affected by the decisions that our petty, stubborn ELECTED officials make or don’t make. Stubborn and self-serving is not unusul, but this process has been horrifying.

It reminds me of the time that the world was mesmerized as President Bill Clinton denied he had sex with Monica Lewinsky and impeachment proceedings began. It was obvious what happened. The proof was on the blue dress, but still the ludicrous saga went on.

Families are complicated systems. A pointed look that a wife gives her husband, inconsequential to observers, can have enormous meaning to the two spouses. So it goes in the Senate and The House. The nuances in politics are just reflections of what goes on in all our lives except that what they decide can change the world. Thanks to Joe Biden(Dem) and Mitch McConnell(Rep) a compromise seems possible.

I believe in family and in the USA. I’m also a realist and know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. The Senate and The House don’t have the luxury of divorce. Grow up, compromise and do what you were elected to do in a more mature and productive manner. Lead by example, not by party pressure. The American people didn’t marry you. We can and will divorce you if you don’t act like a parent and a leader should act.

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Posted in Psychiatry, Raising Children, World events, a psychological view | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

EVER THINK OF OWNING A STRIP CLUB? by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on December 18, 2012 by

Some years ago, a friend had a bachelor party and invited a dozen friends out to dinner. After dinner, someone said, “Hey, let’s go to a strip bar”.  An hour later, we were seated next to an s-shaped stage, as a buxom blond raised her leg 180 degrees onto a silver dancing pole.

As we watched, Rod Stewart screamed, “If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy…” so loudly that everyone within earshot was guaranteed a visit to the House clinic for middle ear surgery. Just as I was wondering whether my insurance covered such a procedure, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear. “Are you Doctor Smukler?”

“What?” I said, startled, and pivoted toward the pretty, sweet-smelling whisperer.

“Remember me? I’m Cathy. They call me Candy here.” She had full, pouty lips, 5’6” tall, long dark hair, and a costume that left nothing about her figure to the imagination.

“I do. I remember you,” I said, getting my surprise and embarrassment under control. A year ago, 22-year-old Cathy/Candy was sent for therapy by her parents to help her “find herself”. She attended 3 sessions and never scheduled another appointment.

“You really helped me, ” she said.

“Jesus”, I thought, wondering what sort of help that might have been. “Thanks!” I said loudly, having to compete with Rod.

“Bye. Nice seeing you,” she said, and undulated away, leaving me staring at the naked, blond woman dancing around the pole.

A few weeks later, I signed up for a class on how to start and run your own strip bar. Really! There were a lot of Tony Soprano types, women with big boobs, and me.

After a few more months of research , the journal kind, I started my own strip club — just kidding. What I did do was start writing Skin Dance, a mystery.

You can get it on Amazon or at http://artsmuklermd.com

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I LOVE THE LADY IN THE RED DRESS, by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on December 6, 2012 by

A patient told me a haunting story.

Forty years ago, a young man from New York had occasion to order a piece of machinery for his boss from a company in Virginia. The young woman he spoke to was engaging and very helpful. One thing led to another and they started chatting on the phone as the piece of machinery was being built.

When the job was done and ready for shipment, the young man prevailed on his boss to allow him to go in person to make sure that the machinery was up to the expected standards. When he told the young woman the plan, she was delighted and offered to meet him at the train station. She would then personally escort him to the plant.

“How will I know you?” The young man asked.

“I’ll be wearing a red dress.”

When the train arrived, just as promised, a pretty, dark-haired woman wearing a red dress was waiting for the young man. As he descended from the train, she smiled and waved from her wheelchair. The young man, who had no idea that she had suffered from polio and had been wheelchair-bound from the time she was a child, fell instantly and irrevocably in love.

They married, raised a family, and had a wonderful relationship.

My patient, who just recently met the now 62-year-old lady with the red dress and her husband for the first time, said with a sigh, “They were in love.” He sighed again. “Most of us married people love our spouses, but this was different. They were obviously still as madly in love as when they first met on that railroad station forty years ago.”

So why do I, a person who has never seen or met this lady-in-red, also love her?

I love her positive attitude and her ability to accept what she couldn’t change and still make the most of her opportunity to have a good life. It is what I want for myself, my wife and children, my friends and my patients. The woman-in-the-red-dress never defined herself as a woman in a wheelchair with polio, but only as an attractive, intelligent, exciting person who never bothered mentioning the fact that she was impaired because in so many ways she wasn’t.

The story is for me what love stories are all about. Love, mystery, spirituality and the magic of the human condition. It is what I believe in, what I write about, and what I dream about.

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Posted in Childhood Trauma, Psychiatry, Self Examination, Skin Dance, a mystery, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

A STRIP BAR, A PSYCHIATRIST & PSYCHOSIS — HOW CAN YOU RESIST? by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on November 26, 2012 by

In SKIN DANCE, a mystery, Art Smukler takes you inside the mind of Jake Robb, a forty-one year old Los Angeles psychiatrist, whose personal life is disintegrating as he struggles to accept the fact that his marriage is over.

After he spends an evening at Skin Dance, a strip bar, his empty life is transformed into one of fear and desperation. An unknown stalker, who vows to destroy him, is following Jake’s every move.

From the posh Palos Verdes Peninsula, to the downtown strip bars, to the central California coast, Jake must use all the psychiatric skills he can muster to understand and thwart the unknown assailant. The suspense mounts as a deranged killer determined to destroy his prey battles a man with inordinate psychological skills who will do whatever it takes to protect himself and his family.

Skin Dance is now available in all eBook formats and will soon be available in paperback.

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Posted in Psychiatry, Self Examination, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, Writing | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

DRUG ADDICTIONS; HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH SOMETHING THAT FEELS SO GOOD? by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on November 17, 2012 by

Drug addictions are often treatment nightmares. Whether alcohol, marijuana, heroine, or prescription drugs, it’s just common sense that if something feels good, why stop? Illness, injury, loss of family, loss of job, and death are often the results of abuse. You’d figure that a logical person would stop using if the results are so catastrophic. Sadly, for the addict, logic isn’t much help.

Does anything help?

Individual psychotherapy is only marginally effective. Religion is only marginally effective (Religious zealots who saw addiction as a sin and got prohibition passed, only got a lot of people killed and allowed organized crime to make a fortune). AA, NA, MA, OA, GA and all the other As are very helpful but certainly not perfect. Hospital programs and rehab programs can be helpful, because they get people clean and into 12 step programs. In the end, no specific treatment is easy and the path to abstinence is a tough one.

So what about stopping drugs at its source, like waging war on the cartels in Mexico? According to Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico from 2000 to 2006, fighting the cartels is only making it worse. He stated that in the last year, 500 people died of drug related issues while many thousands died in the war against the drug producers? He advocates legalizing drugs and stated that governments can’t control what people do. If a person is determined to use, that’s what he’ll do, no matter what the law says. President Fox feels that the job of governments is to keep people safe, not force them to do what the government dictates.

What’s the answer?

There isn’t a great one. As individual practitioners we can continue to educate our patients, get them into programs, treat the underlying depression and anxiety if they exist, and always be a voice of reason and a caring resource. Also, and I can’t emphasize this enough, never give up. Battling denial, omnipotence, and selfishness, the main defenses of addiction, are just as important as battling depression and anxiety. It’s what we were trained to do and what we do best.

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WHY ELECT OBAMA WHO PUT US IN MORE DEBT & DIDN’T FIX THE ECONOMY? by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on November 7, 2012 by

He was elected because most of us weren’t naive enough to blame him. He inherited a catastrophe and then the party that created the catastrophe continued to affix blame rather than work to cure the problem.

Plus, why would most women vote for a man devoted to taking away their right to choose?

Plus, why would most Latinos vote for a man who wants them out of the country?

Plus, why would young people vote for a man and party that’s determined to keep the rich, rich and the poor struggling. Most of us started out as struggling students without a birthright of status or money.

Plus, we instinctively distrust a person who will say whatever it takes to get what he wants.

There are some psychological lessons to be learned:

Respect others’ values and work to give them the power to live those values.

Set aside some of your own narcissistic needs for the betterment of the country.

It’s reasonable to change your mind, but admit you’re changing it and do your  best to explain why you changed it.

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Posted in Psychiatry, Self Examination, World events, a psychological view | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments

HOW DO YOU REASON WITH IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE? by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Posted on October 30, 2012 by

Whether it’s a husband, wife, child, psychotic, democrat, republican or terrorist, it’s often impossible to have a rational discussion with a person who is absolutely certain that his way is the right way.

As a young psychiatrist who trained during the era when Harold Searles MD and Frieda Fromm-Reichman MD were doing analysis with schizophrenics, I  believed that logical discussion and perseverance was what a good psychiatrist should do to treat a psychotic patient. It took a few years until I reached my own conclusion that without using antipsychotic medication, my task was just about impossible. I still use all my psychotherapeutic skills to connect, build a sense of trust, and discuss the myriad of options that a patient can choose, but I also do everything possible to make sure that my patient is on the right medication.

There’s a science to dealing with neurotic and  psychotic patients, but what does one do outside of a psychiatric office? The answer is perhaps simpler than you imagined.

Have the courage to express your opinion, but don’t expect your spouse or child or friend to agree. In fact, they may do just the opposite.

A few years ago, my wife and I had a fight about something (whatever the something was, I have absolutely no recollection) and I refused to attend an event with some friends. My wife tried to reason with me and gave me some examples explaining how I was dead wrong. But, being the consummate professional, I refused to accept any of it. Finally, she shook her head in frustration, picked up her pocketbook, and left.

It took a few hours of feeling angry and self-righteous until I finally got around to examining the issue and figured out what was so bothersome. When my wife came home, I sheepishly apologized, shared my theory why I did what I did, and called our friends to apologize.

What impressed me, and still does years later, is that my wife tried her best to dissuade me from being unreasonable, but when it failed, she carried on without me and made sure to have a good time. Unreasonable people shouldn’t have to make reasonable people suffer. I was unreasonable and lost my opportunity to have a fun experience.

So what do we do about a republican or a democrat who is so myopic that he won’t examine an alternative way of looking at an issue? Easy… Accept that he has the right to his opinion, enjoy your meal together, and change the subject. Follow your own reasoning when you cast your ballot.

What do we do about a terrorist who is determined that his religion gives him the right to kill a non-believer? Don’t waste your breath trying to be reasonable. Kill him before he kills you.

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Posted in Psychiatry | Tagged , , , , , | 11 Comments