Bullying – Page 24 – Inside The Mind of a Psychiatrist

When two wolves fight, if the wolf on the bottom turns his neck and exposes his jugular, the top wolf will get off and spare the bottom wolf’s life. If the bottom-wolf continues to fight, the top-wolf will kill him. The message: Submit or die!

This is a re-occurring theme in therapy. An example is a 35 year-old man who as a young child was beaten and humiliated by his older brother. He never told his parents and never fought back. He solved the problem by avoiding his brother and making sure he never provoked him. In essence he always exposed his jugular, in a submissive stance, rather than risking an almost certain beating.

This form of self-protection, developed into a passive character style. During one session, when we discussed his passive style, he said, “It’s safer. THE BOTTOM WOLF HAS THE RIGHT IDEA!”

“But look how unhappy you are,” I said. “Depression, anxiety, always waiting for the last minute to finish your work… Always afraid you’ll be fired.”

“But I can’t concentrate. That’s why I don’t finish my work.”

“But you said you are able to concentrate better with the combination of Zoloft (an antidepressant) and Adderall (a stimulant for Attention Deficit Disorder). Isn’t that problem taken care of?”

“Well, the medicine does help.”

“So you’re doing this to yourself. You’re afraid to be the top wolf.”

“What if I fail? If I’m humiliated?”

“It’s possible. But with your current style, you’re always on the verge of failing. How can you win when you always expose your jugular? You keep acting just like when you were a child and your brother was bullying you. You’re an adult now. Stronger and smarter than he is… You are in charge!”

Fear of failure, of not getting a new job, the girl or guy you’re attracted to, getting your novel sold (I wonder who that might be?) is all understandable. We all want to be winners. It hurts to lose.

The good news is that we’re not wolves! If we’re on the bottom, we can keep fighting, keep trying to accomplish what’s important to us. We won’t be killed if we continue to struggle, and we can continue the battle for as long as it takes.

Ten years ago, a 14 y/o boy (I’ll call him Brian) began treatment for depression and insecurity. Brian was an attractive, soft-spoken young man who was aware of feeling depressed, but had trouble articulating exactly why, except for the fact that he felt lonely.

A few months into weekly psychotherapy, he shared that he was being tormented while playing in a touch football game with other middle-school boys. Jack, one of the boys, kept knocking him down or hitting him without any provocation. Brian’s eyes filled with tears. “What can I do? I tried talking to him, but he just ignored me. I asked him why he was doing it, and he just laughed. We play every day at recess, and I really don’t want to stop because of him.”

“Any clues as to why he’s so mean?”

“None. I didn’t do anything.”

We spent the hour exploring all possibilities and came up empty. Towards the end of the session, I leaned forward in my chair and looked Brian square in the eyes. “Brian, I’m going to make a recommendation, but if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“What? What do you mean?” Brian asked, obviously intrigued.

“I want you to knock Jack down, so hard, that he has trouble getting up. You’ve tried talking to him like a decent person. It got you nowhere. He’s not reasonable and not nice… Knock him down hard, but don’t kill him or break any bones.”

Brian just stared at me.

“Brian, you’re a really good guy, and what he’s doing isn’t fair.”

Brian just kept staring.

“Any other thoughts?”

Brian shook his head.

“Okay, see you next week.”

Brian nodded, stood up, gave me a sheepish smile, and left. I sat for the longest time staring at my diplomas. Did I do the right thing? There were no classes on helping nice kids battle playground bullies in my psychiatric residency.

The next week, Brian walked in the door, and before he even sat down said, “I did it!” He had a huge smile plastered across his usually worried face.

“What? What did you do? Tell me all about it!”

“We started playing and Jack went back to pass. I aimed my head for his stomach and knocked him down as hard as I could. When we were on the ground, I got on top of him and just stared him in the face. Then I got up and walked alone back to school.”

I encouraged Brian to tell me in detail how the whole thing went down. As the story unfolded, it became clear that Jack was actually on the same team as Brian. In effect, Brian had knocked down his own quarterback! I said, “Wow, that was really making a statement.” Then we both laughed and hi-fived.

It’s not often in therapy that there is a pivotal moment when things change. But, this was such a moment.

I treated Brian all through high school and saw him during holidays until he graduated college. Brian became an all-state wrestler in high school and was a varsity wrestler at a well-known university. He remained a sweet, caring person, had good friends, and a good relationship with his family.

When Brian learned to defend himself, he also learned to value himself. A person with good self esteem doesn’t let himself be bullied.

Thanks!