Tag: Bullying

STICKS & STONES CAN BREAK MY BONES BUT NAMES CAN NEVER HURT ME…NOT! by Art Smukler

Remember the old cliche’ used by parents and teachers to “train” a child to control his anger? “Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.”

Well, the theory goes that name calling can’t physically hurt you. But is that really true? Ask Jeb Bush if being called “low energy” by Trump doesn’t make him feel physically ill. I heard Jeb speak a year before the Republican primary, and thought he’d make a great president. I wish he’d appropriately retaliated to Trump’s obnoxious words and didn’t let him get away with it. I assume that the entire Bush family will never forgive Trump. I wouldn’t.

How about John McCain? Trump, who never served in the military, likes people who weren’t captured, negating all that McCain suffered and gave to our country. Do you think that the anger inside McCain doesn’t still hurt? Here’s another family who will probably never forgive Trump.

Name calling and devaluing trigger our autonomic nervous system, the place in the brain where Fight or Flight is regulated. Think of the times you were enraged — the burning in your stomach, jaw clenching, sweating, trouble catching your breath… All physical symptoms.

I could go on and on, but let’s consider what this man is now doing to ALL OF US! He names the Russia investigation, Spygate and a Witch Hunt. He’s a genius at name-calling.

What he is not a genius at is being a good human being. If someone disagrees with him, he attacks. He calls himself a counter puncher. I call him a brilliant name caller who hurts a lot of people and is hurting our country.

What is also OBNOXIOUS is that Republicans are afraid. Some heroes scale walls, like in France, to save a child, others can stand up and call Trump out. That hero can save our country.

If you enjoyed reading, Inside the Mind of a Psychiatrist, you might also enjoy Dr. Smukler’s novels, Chasing Backwards, a psychological murder mystery, Skin Dance, a mystery, and The Man with a Microphone in his Ear. All are available as paperbacks and eBooks.

I’M GOING TO MAKE A RECOMMENDATION, BUT IF YOU TELL ANYONE I’LL DENY IT — a reprise, by Art Smukler, author & psychiatrist

Ten years ago, a 14 y/o boy (I’ll call him Brian) began treatment for depression and insecurity. Brian was an attractive, soft-spoken young man who was aware of feeling depressed, but had trouble articulating exactly why, except for the fact that he felt lonely.

A few months into weekly psychotherapy, he shared that he was being tormented while playing in a touch football game with other middle-school boys. Jack, one of the boys, kept knocking him down or hitting him without any provocation. Brian’s eyes filled with tears. “What can I do? I tried talking to him, but he just ignored me. I asked him why he was doing it, and he just laughed. We play every day at recess, and I really don’t want to stop because of him.”

“Any clues as to why he’s so mean?”

“None. I didn’t do anything.”

We spent the hour exploring all possibilities and came up empty. Towards the end of the session, I leaned forward in my chair and looked Brian square in the eyes. “Brian, I’m going to make a recommendation, but if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“What? What do you mean?” Brian asked, obviously intrigued.

“I want you to knock Jack down, so hard, that he has trouble getting up. You’ve tried talking to him like a decent person. It got you nowhere. He’s not reasonable and not nice… Knock him down hard, but don’t kill him or break any bones.”

Brian just stared at me.

“Brian, you’re a really good guy, and what he’s doing isn’t fair.”

Brian just kept staring.

“Any other thoughts?”

Brian shook his head.

“Okay, see you next week.”

Brian nodded, stood up, gave me a sheepish smile, and left. I sat for the longest time staring at my diplomas. Did I do the right thing? There were no classes on helping nice kids battle playground bullies in my psychiatric residency.

The next week, Brian walked in the door, and before he even sat down said, “I did it!” He had a huge smile plastered across his usually worried face.

“What? What did you do? Tell me all about it!”

“We started playing and Jack went back to pass. I aimed my head for his stomach and knocked him down as hard as I could. When we were on the ground, I got on top of him and just stared him in the face. Then I got up and walked alone back to school.”

I encouraged Brian to tell me in detail how the whole thing went down. As the story unfolded, it became clear that Jack was actually on the same team as Brian. In effect, Brian had knocked down his own quarterback! I said, “Wow, that was really making a statement.” Then we both laughed and hi-fived.

It’s not often in therapy that there is a pivotal moment when things change. But, this was such a moment.

I treated Brian all through high school and saw him during holidays until he graduated college. Brian became an all-state wrestler in high school and was a varsity wrestler at a well-known university. He remained a sweet, caring person, had good friends, and a good relationship with his family.

When Brian learned to defend himself, he also learned to value himself.  A person with good self-esteem doesn’t let himself be bullied.

This was one my most well-received posts. Bullies need to be stopped. Whether they exist on the schoolyard, the workplace or inhabit religious fanatic sects, it is my hope that we can all have the right to choose who we want to be and have the freedom to make that choice come true.

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