“Hello Doctor. I hope you can help me. I’ve been terribly depressed.”
“Of course I can help you. I’m Doctor The Donald, the world’s greatest psychiatrist.”
“Greater than Sigmund Freud?”
“Isn’t he dead?”
“Of course.”
“I don’t respect dead people. I only respect live ones…and ones who weren’t captured. Also, wasn’t he a little man with a little goatee?”
“Huh?”
“And I know he had nowhere near 8 billion dollars. Maybe he had a few hundred-thousand.”
“But he helped people who couldn’t sleep, who were depressed and anxious, who felt miserable all the time.”
“I’m here to make you great again.”
“I was never great. From the time I was little I felt sad and lonely.”
“Did you have a wall separating your house from your neighbor’s?”
“No. We lived in a small house in Brooklyn, a row house. My father sold the house years ago, and now it’s worth over a million. He always made the wrong decision. Like me.”
“You needed to build a wall to protect yourself from the riffraff that lived next door. Without a wall, anyone can come into your place and bother you or rape your children.”
“I don’t have children. I’m only eighteen.”
“That’s lucky. You can still build the wall.”
“I live in an apartment.”
“At Trump Towers every floor has its own key. I have three floors. Only my key works to open the elevator to my place.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We have rules about having long beards. It’s too Muslim.”
“My beard is short.”
“It can grow. They’ll think you’re an Islamic Mexican. Then you’ll be deported and trapped behind the new wall.”
“What wall?”
“The one the Mexican government will build.”
“I’m not Mexican.”
“You look Mexican.”
“I’m Jewish.”
“So is my daughter.”
“Oh.”
“Well, I have to finish up now. Lyin’ Ted is saying mean things about me and I have to defend my greatness.”
“But I’m still depressed.”
“Shave and build a wall. It’ll make you great.”
Art Smukler is an award-winning psychiatrist and author of Chasing Backwards, a psychological murder mystery, Skin Dance, a mystery, and The Man with a Microphone in his Ear. All are available as paperbacks and eBooks
Inside The Mind of a Psychiatrist 