Inside the mind of a psychiatrist – Page 114 – Inside The Mind of a Psychiatrist

How do you choose your spouse? Is it free will or some other “method”?

“She was a knockout. It was love at first sight.”

“We sat next to each other in class and one thing led to another.”

“He was the only one who wasn’t obsessed with sports. We had so much in common.”

Is it that simple? Lust? Common experience? Meshing personalities?

I don’t think so. Year after year, I listen to the underlying reasons. Most of the time, what is apparent is that ancient parental conflicts do the “picking” for us. The cold and abusive father, the distant and unavailable mother, the father who abandoned the family, the good-time, flirty mother… All are recycled in our choice of spouses.

Why? Why are spouses picked by the conflicts that tortured us? For sure it’s not a conscious decision. Who in their right mind would marry someone who perpetuates the pain of our childhood? No one! Once again, it’s the unconscious at work.

We keep trying to prove, over and over, that mommy and daddy really did love us. Getting a spouse to do what a parent never did is the object. We’ve replaced our parent with our spouse and can now spend the rest of our lives trying to get him or her to do what dad and mom never could. Or, we pick the exact opposite, and that leads to another set of problems.

Does this happen all the time? Of course not. There are many good marriages. But it happens enough to give us all something to think about. Anytime we substitute an object from our past with an object from the present, there can be major problems. We expect too much or too little from our spouse and get furious when our needs aren’t met. How can our expectations be realistic when they’re driven by old unconscious wounds?

What’s there to do about it?

Examine your needs, your past, and whether your expectations are unreasonable. Would you expect anyone else to behave the way you’re expecting your spouse to behave? Probably not. Get your expectations in line with reality and your chances of having a happy marriage will improve exponentially.

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Back in the stone age of the sixties, congress mandated that to get US government subsidies medical schools had to fill 10% of their entering classes with women. That was exactly what my class had, 11 women and 99 men.
Now, the average is about 50% women to men.

Today, China launched its 1st manned space vehicle with 2 men and 1 woman. The world is slowly, like a country governed by a democracy, heading towards a brighter future. Liu Yang , a 33-year-old pilot, is the the star of the mission.

A Chinese spokeswoman said, “Generally speaking, female astronauts have better durability, psychological stability and the ability to deal with loneliness.”

As intelligence and psychological strength take the place of muscle mass and the gonads to kill a wild beast with a club, we all have a much better chance to improve our planet. Who would have thought that we’d have a black president, a woman Secretary of State and even a few white guys in the NBA?

Forget race, nationality and sex. Go for quality! Go crazy, think for yourself and break down the mind-numbing social rules that keep us all captive. It’s even happening in the Middle East!

That’s how psychotherapy works. Among other things, it’s an examination of how the past continues to torture us in the present. Why not apply the concept now? Think about why you do what you do. If it doesn’t make sense, think about it again, and decide what does make sense. Don’t just do something because you were told to do it. Change is scary. It usually entails taking a risk. Blast off and take that risk. Start a new line of thinking. It might spread to your family, your friends and maybe even the world.

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