Raising Children – Page 18 – Inside The Mind of a Psychiatrist

When two wolves fight, if the wolf on the bottom turns his neck and exposes his jugular, the top wolf will get off and spare the bottom wolf’s life. If the bottom-wolf continues to fight, the top-wolf will kill him. The message: Submit or die!

This is a re-occurring theme in therapy. An example is a 35 year-old man who as a young child was beaten and humiliated by his older brother. He never told his parents and never fought back. He solved the problem by avoiding his brother and making sure he never provoked him. In essence he always exposed his jugular, in a submissive stance, rather than risking an almost certain beating.

This form of self-protection, developed into a passive character style. During one session, when we discussed his passive style, he said, “It’s safer. THE BOTTOM WOLF HAS THE RIGHT IDEA!”

“But look how unhappy you are,” I said. “Depression, anxiety, always waiting for the last minute to finish your work… Always afraid you’ll be fired.”

“But I can’t concentrate. That’s why I don’t finish my work.”

“But you said you are able to concentrate better with the combination of Zoloft (an antidepressant) and Adderall (a stimulant for Attention Deficit Disorder). Isn’t that problem taken care of?”

“Well, the medicine does help.”

“So you’re doing this to yourself. You’re afraid to be the top wolf.”

“What if I fail? If I’m humiliated?”

“It’s possible. But with your current style, you’re always on the verge of failing. How can you win when you always expose your jugular? You keep acting just like when you were a child and your brother was bullying you. You’re an adult now. Stronger and smarter than he is… You are in charge!”

Fear of failure, of not getting a new job, the girl or guy you’re attracted to, getting your novel sold (I wonder who that might be?) is all understandable. We all want to be winners. It hurts to lose.

The good news is that we’re not wolves! If we’re on the bottom, we can keep fighting, keep trying to accomplish what’s important to us. We won’t be killed if we continue to struggle, and we can continue the battle for as long as it takes.

“I can’t change,” the 40-year-old man said during a therapy session. “So what that I know and accept that my mother is selfish and ungiving? What good does that do me? Knowing is fine, but so what?”

“You mentioned that you were proud of yourself this last weekend. You were able to force yourself to be a good father, kind and supportive to your children. Plus, you actually had a good time.”

“Yeah. It was hard, but I did it.”

“You described your mother as self-centered, a woman who only cares about herself. Always putting her needs first and ignoring your needs.”

“She is. So?”

“You said she was never warm and giving.”

“She wasn’t.”

“As a child and now as an adult, you became like her and often you act like her — cold and distant. You want to do only what you want to do. Sound familiar?

He just stared.

But last weekend, you overcame that selfish feeling. You acted like the man you want to be, giving and loving. You weren’t acting like her anymore.”

“That’s disgusting that I act like her. It’s terrible.”

Silence.

“Jesus!”

I nod in agreement.

“Doctor. I WANT HER OUT OF ME! Get my mother out of me!” he said forcefully.

“That’s what this therapy is all about. We’re making progress towards doing just that.”

What happened to this man, happened to all of us. When we were little we incorporated parts of our parents into ourselves, the good parts and the bad parts. The way they related — loved, hated, disconnected, abused etc. all became so deeply embedded that being able to distinguish between what is us and what is them becomes almost impossible.

Often, the job of therapy and our personal challenge is to clarify who we are and understand that we don’t have to spend the rest of our lives acting like the dysfunctional parents who raised us. Thanks!