Raising Children – Page 18 – Inside The Mind of a Psychiatrist

“I can’t change,” the 40-year-old man said during a therapy session. “So what that I know and accept that my mother is selfish and ungiving? What good does that do me? Knowing is fine, but so what?”

“You mentioned that you were proud of yourself this last weekend. You were able to force yourself to be a good father, kind and supportive to your children. Plus, you actually had a good time.”

“Yeah. It was hard, but I did it.”

“You described your mother as self-centered, a woman who only cares about herself. Always putting her needs first and ignoring your needs.”

“She is. So?”

“You said she was never warm and giving.”

“She wasn’t.”

“As a child and now as an adult, you became like her and often you act like her — cold and distant. You want to do only what you want to do. Sound familiar?

He just stared.

But last weekend, you overcame that selfish feeling. You acted like the man you want to be, giving and loving. You weren’t acting like her anymore.”

“That’s disgusting that I act like her. It’s terrible.”

Silence.

“Jesus!”

I nod in agreement.

“Doctor. I WANT HER OUT OF ME! Get my mother out of me!” he said forcefully.

“That’s what this therapy is all about. We’re making progress towards doing just that.”

What happened to this man, happened to all of us. When we were little we incorporated parts of our parents into ourselves, the good parts and the bad parts. The way they related — loved, hated, disconnected, abused etc. all became so deeply embedded that being able to distinguish between what is us and what is them becomes almost impossible.

Often, the job of therapy and our personal challenge is to clarify who we are and understand that we don’t have to spend the rest of our lives acting like the dysfunctional parents who raised us. Thanks!

A psychiatrist uses his intellect and intuition to diagnosis and treat a patient. Theodore Reik, a Freudian era psychoanalyst called the intuitive part, Listening with the Third Ear. It means getting beneath the surface of what someone is saying, feeling what he feels, what he doesn’t feel, and being able to decipher that his words may contradict what he’s actually feeling.

The logic of the unconscious, the part of us that is not available to conscious thought, has different rules than the logic of everyday life. A patient may insist that his father is a wonderful man, but then why does he forget his birthday, have an angry father-related dream, or a negative slip of the tongue?

Our intellect and the logical part of our brain (the left brain) is often at war with the intuitive and creative part (the right brain). Observing the war, both sides of it, is important. It gives us the chance to examine the invisible part of the iceberg that supports what is visible to the world.

We can all benefit from using our Third Ear. Knowing what we really feel and think is essential to being at peace and having good relationships. If our Third Ear is undeveloped, get to work! Take time to let your mind wander about issues that you suspect are troublesome, jot down your dreams, and don’t push away a feeling that gnaws at you. What you learn may be a clue as to what’s really going on in your unconscious.

It is work making the unconscious accessible to the logic of the conscious mind. It is work worth doing. Having a strong, functional Third Ear can change our lives. Thanks!