Raising Children – Page 17 – Inside The Mind of a Psychiatrist

A few months ago, I was watching the Adventures of Ironman, with Dylan, the 3-year-old son of a friend. As we sat together in the dark family room, Dylan said, “Uncle Art, I like Ironman.”

“He is cool,” I answered.

A short time later, Dylan said, “I really like him.”

“Me too.”

After another series showing Ironman whipping the bad guys into submission, Dylan said, “I think I want to be him.” He sat riveted on the sofa, his eyes never leaving the TV screen.

“That would definitely be interesting.”

A minute later, Dylan got off the sofa and stood in front of me. “I am Ironman,” he said.

I nodded and smiled at him.

“You don’t understand, Uncle Art, “I AM IRONMAN. I really am.” His little chest was all puffed out and he was flexing both his arms, showing me how huge his biceps were.

“Sometimes I wish I could him too,” I answered.

A few weeks later when I saw Dylan again, he was all decked out wearing a Spiderman costume. “What happened to Ironman?” I asked.

“I’m Spiderman now. Watch!” He bent his legs, spread his arms, and assumed a perfect Spiderman pose. He WAS Spiderman, and I was stuck still being me.

Why do most kids develop a passion for superheroes? To me, the answer is pretty obvious. The world is a scary place. Really scary and really violent. The “mature” adults don’t believe in superheroes, they believe that their religion or religious sect or religious patron is more powerful than their competitors’ religion. They are willing to die for it, and see the rest of us non-believers or different-believers as the enemy.

If only we could choose to be Ironman or Spiderman or Everyman and give everyone the free choice to be whoever they want to be. Maybe, if I were Joe Belmont…

When two wolves fight, if the wolf on the bottom turns his neck and exposes his jugular, the top wolf will get off and spare the bottom wolf’s life. If the bottom-wolf continues to fight, the top-wolf will kill him. The message: Submit or die!

This is a re-occurring theme in therapy. An example is a 35 year-old man who as a young child was beaten and humiliated by his older brother. He never told his parents and never fought back. He solved the problem by avoiding his brother and making sure he never provoked him. In essence he always exposed his jugular, in a submissive stance, rather than risking an almost certain beating.

This form of self-protection, developed into a passive character style. During one session, when we discussed his passive style, he said, “It’s safer. THE BOTTOM WOLF HAS THE RIGHT IDEA!”

“But look how unhappy you are,” I said. “Depression, anxiety, always waiting for the last minute to finish your work… Always afraid you’ll be fired.”

“But I can’t concentrate. That’s why I don’t finish my work.”

“But you said you are able to concentrate better with the combination of Zoloft (an antidepressant) and Adderall (a stimulant for Attention Deficit Disorder). Isn’t that problem taken care of?”

“Well, the medicine does help.”

“So you’re doing this to yourself. You’re afraid to be the top wolf.”

“What if I fail? If I’m humiliated?”

“It’s possible. But with your current style, you’re always on the verge of failing. How can you win when you always expose your jugular? You keep acting just like when you were a child and your brother was bullying you. You’re an adult now. Stronger and smarter than he is… You are in charge!”

Fear of failure, of not getting a new job, the girl or guy you’re attracted to, getting your novel sold (I wonder who that might be?) is all understandable. We all want to be winners. It hurts to lose.

The good news is that we’re not wolves! If we’re on the bottom, we can keep fighting, keep trying to accomplish what’s important to us. We won’t be killed if we continue to struggle, and we can continue the battle for as long as it takes.