Inside the mind of a psychiatrist – Page 104 – Inside The Mind of a Psychiatrist

He was dressed in a black tux and she wore a strapless white gown. Hesitantly, he raised her veil and gazed into her dark brown eyes. She gazed back and sighed deeply. The minister said with a smile, “You may now kiss the bride.” Family and friends applauded, the quartet hit an upbeat tempo, and the two lovers publicly smooched. Holding hands, the newlyweds turned and walked back down the flower-strewn isle into a life of heavenly bliss.

Their chances of success are probably less than making a bundle at a Vegas Craps table.

Commonly, fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Who knows what percent stay married because of not wanting the children to suffer through a divorce, strict religious doctrine, and downright fear of change. So let’s say that we now have a total of seventy percent of people who are unhappy. That leaves a thirty percent happy rate! I may be exaggerating, but I’m entitled to a bit of poetic license.

So why is marriage so incredibly difficult?

It’s impossible to live up to an adolescent fantasy — sculpted bodies, flawless skin, perfect empathic resonance, great sex, a philosophy that love is more important than money, the expectation that your lover will always meet your needs… We all know that it’s a crazy fantasy. We’re not idiots. But, somewhere, deep in the reptilian part of our brains, WE WANT PERFECTION. So what’s the solution?

Be authentic, sensitive, realistic, practical, caring, and don’t expect your spouse to be able to read your mind! Say what you want and need. Accept the fact that your spouse may want exactly the opposite of what you want. THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT LOVED. IT MEANS THAT YOU’RE MARRIED TO A PERSON WHO ALSO HAS HIS/HER OWN NEEDS.

No one can take better care of you than yourself. Educate your spouse as to what you want and need and let her educate you as to what she wants and needs. Cultivate your own friendships and don’t expect that all your needs can be met in the marriage.

So with this balanced approach, it should all work out just fine. Right? Not exactly. When you really get angry at each other, all logic escapes. Our reptilian brain is back! But, don’t lose faith and storm off into the night. Calm down, try to figure out why you’re so angry, and then express it to the best of your ability. Then, have the patience and courage to listen to why she’s angry. THEN COMPROMISE!

Welcome to married life.

Art Smukler MD is the author of Skin Dance, a mystery, Chasing Backwards, a psychological murder mystery, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, and the blog, Inside the Mind of a Psychiatrist

My last post on Borderline Personality Disorders provoked a great number of both positive and negative responses. I chose to not publish the negative responses for a number of reasons. One reason was that many of them were downright abusive, filled with devaluing comments and name calling. The other, and probably the most potent reason, is that some of the comments were embarrassingly true. I not only write my blog to inform, to help, and because I love writing, but to also publicize my novels. In writing about Borderline Personality Disorders I got a little carried away and become overly dramatic and one-sided.

The main reason most of the negative comments were filled with such anger was because the authors of the comments felt that I was stigmatizing their condition and unrealistically simplifying it.

I in fact did characterize BPD as an all or nothing disorder, a black or white way of looking at the world. It IS that way, but what I failed to stress is that a person suffering from this concrete approach to life can change. With therapy or self-examination or productive life experiences, they can learn to see the shades of gray in the human condition. They can better understand another person’s point of view, take responsibility for their part in the problem, and be a force that can resolve the problem.

Most of the negative comments I received were from people who had obviously gained the ability to see life in a more three-dimensional manner. My two-dimensional descriptions would understandably be anger provoking.

I wish to thank all the commenters who expressed their feelings in a way that was helpful and caused me to rethink my approach. Best Wishes.

Art Smukler MD is the author of Skin Dance, a mystery, Chasing Backwards, a psychological murder mystery, The Man with a Microphone in his Ear, and the blog, Inside the Mind of a Psychiatrist